When you realize you’ve spent too much time in China…


When you realize you spend too much time in china:   


1. You’re at an expensive western restaurant and don’t even notice the guy at the next table yelling into his cell phone


2. You enjoy karaoke

3. You walk backwards in the park listening to a transistor radio

4. The China Daily is your source for hard hitting, fast breaking, investigative journalism

5. You smoke in crowded elevators.

6. All white people look the same to you

7. You like the smell of the bus.

8. You find state-employed retail staff helpful, knowledgeable and friendly

9. You no longer need tissues to blow your nose

10. You find western toilets uncomfortable

11. You throw your used toilet paper in the basket (as a courtesy to the next person)

12. You think that the heavy air actually contains valuable nutrients that you need to stay healthy

13. You think a 30 year old woman who carries a Hello Kitty lunch box is cute

14. A sexual pervert is a man who prefers women to money.

15. It’s OK to throw rubbish, including old fridges, from your 18th-floor window

16. You believe that pressing the lift button 63 times will make it move faster

17. You aren’t aware that one is supposed to pay for software

18. You are not surprised to see your tap water run dark brown

19. You tell your parents their house back in your home country has bad feng shui

20. You think that a $7 shirt is a rip-off

21. You always leave tray and trash on the table when you are in Starbucks because you insisted it is the way to keep everyone employed

22. You buy an XXXL T-shirt in store when you returned home

23. You take large sum of cash whenever you go hospital in home country

24. You have no reservations about spitting sun flower seeds on the restaurant floor

25. You think it’s silly to buy a new bike when it’ll get stolen soon and stolen bikes are half the price.

26. You’d rather pay the 10 yuan for an all night stay at the internet cafe than the 30 for a taxi home.

27. You feel cheated if you don’t receive a full head and shoulder massage when getting a haircut

28. You blow your nose or spit on the restaurant floor (of course after making a loud hocking noise)

29. You no longer wait in line, but go immediately to the head of the queue

30. It becomes exciting to see if you can get on the lift before anyone can get off

31. It is no longer surprising that the only decision made at a meeting is the time and venue for the next meeting

32. You no longer wonder how someone who earns US$ 400.00 per month can drive a Mercedes

33. You accept the fact that you have to queue to get a number for the next queue

34. You believe everything you read in the local newspaper

35. You have developed an uncontrollable urge to follow people carrying small flags

36. You regard it as part of the adventure when the waiter correctly repeats your order and the cook makes something completely different.

37. You are not surprised when three men with a ladder show up to change a light bulb

38. You look over people’s shoulder to see what they are reading

39. You honk your horn at people because they are in your way as you drive down the sidewalk

40. When car accidents become a source of heartwarming humour

41. When shopping at Carrefour some laowai stares you down for catching you looking into his basket while you wonder to yourself what

laowai’s eat

42. You have figured out that it is actually the Taiwanese who are running this country

43. You have a pinky fingernail an inch long

44. You burp in any situation and don’t care

45. You start to watch CCTV9 and feel warm and comforted by the governments great work

46. You think Pizza Hut is high-class and worth queueing for

47. You have learnt how to detect someone is in a hurry behind you, and now have the ability to not only walk very slowly but also grow eyes in

the back of your head, so when they start to overtake on the right hand side, you automatically cut in and walk very slowly directly in front of them

48. When you are able to jump the queue because the idiot laowai left 2 centimeters between themself and the person in front of them

49. You have absolutely no sense of traffic rules

50. You start calling other foreigners Lao Wai

51. You start cutting off large vehicles on your bicycle

52. The last time you visited your mother, you gave her your business card

53. You think no car is complete without a tissue box on the rear shelf and a feather duster in the trunk

54. You go to the local shop in pajamas

55. When looking out the window, you think “Wow, so many trees!” instead of “Wow, so much concrete!”

56. Pollution, what pollution?

57. You think “white pills, blue pills, and pink powder” is an adequate answer to the question “What are you giving me, doctor?”

58. Someone doesn’t stare at you and you wonder why

59. Firecrackers don’t wake you up

60. Your family stops asking when you’ll be coming back

61. You wear out your vehicle’s horn before its brakes

62. You buy a top-of-the-line karaoke machine

63. Forks feel funny

64. Chinese remakes of Western songs sound better than the originals

65. You get homesick for Chinese food when away from China

66. You realize that smiling and nodding is Chinese body language for, “Go away; leave me alone.”

67. All the top-level government officials you befriended for guanxi purposes when you first arrived are retired and living in your country

68. After being in an accident, you tell the ambulance driver which hospital to take you to

69. Your company offers you a job in your native land, and includes regular “Home Leave” to China as an incentive

70. You think of “salad” as diced apples in mayonnaise

71. You don’t bother to take the sticker off the lenses of your fake Ray-Bans

72. You only wear a suit when you dig ditches or do home repairs

73. Your handshake is weakening by the day

74. You compiled a 3-page list of weird English first names that Chinese people of your acquaintance have chosen for themselves.

75. Your collection of business cards has outgrown your flat

76. You and a friend get on a bus, sit at opposite ends of the bus, and continue your conversation by yelling from one end to the other

77. You cannot say a number without making the appropriate hand sign

78. You like the taste of Green Tea and Chivas

79. You start recognising the chinese songs on the radio and sing along to them with the taxi driver

80. You feel insulted when you enter a restaurant and only three waiters welcome you


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